How to Get Married

Normally, you'd find a girl (or let one find you) and ask her a question along the lines of "so, how'd ya like to get married?" After being slapped about a bit for not asking in the right way, you'd then get down on one knee (make sure somewhere comfy, like grass or sand, that way if she remains undecided for a while you've got somewhere soft to be) and ask her properly, like this:

"Dear [insert name here], I love you with all my heart. I find you both pleasing to the eye, ear and mind. I find you to be the one with whom I envisage pushing out my screaming, grizzly children, and putting up with it. I imagine you think you can change me, but know this: I remain resolutely male, and my manliness shall not come between you and I and my friends. By asking you to marry me, I do not mean that forevermore I shall be in your thrall, but will eventually find solace from your carping on about the unmown lawn in football, rugby, soccer or whatever form of sport irritates you the most. As long as it is televised, that is. God forbid you find Snooker irritating, because there's no damn way I want to be stuck watching that crap. I also acknowledge that eventually, you will begin to fall apart and start to look somewhat less like the person I married and more like a contemporary abstract clay sculpture. This I accept, but do not, by default, have to enjoy. To be honest, I know its really just a way of getting sex, isn't it, this marriage stuff. But lets face it, after about three months of sleeping with me and my hairy back, I stand more chance of discovering a hidden cache of WMD's in Iraq than getting regular sex. So, with all this in mind, and my knee getting sore, will you just say yes and get it over with?"

Or, you could take the more tactful approach and say simply:

"Honey, I love you and want to be with you for the rest of your life. No matter how much you nag and piss me off.."

sorry, still on the other topic.....

"Honey, will you marry me?"

One small tip, amongst all the others, that's vitally important: If you are given the opportunity by your potential woman to present her with flowers or chocolate or something, for crying out loud: GIVE HER THE DAMN FLOWERS. Do not give her the chocolate. Trust me on this. If you do, the conversation goes like this:

"Do you think I'm fat?" (for which there is no actual answer)
"I think you look great dear..." (well done, points for elusiveness)
"So you think I'm too thin then...?"
"No."
"So you do think I'm fat!"
"No I don't. I think you look great dear."
"You're just saying that to make me feel better."
"Is it working?"
"No. I know you think I am fat."
"Will I win this argument?"
"What argument? You just said I looked fat."
"Want some more chocolate dear?"
"Yes please."

And thats that. If anyone tries to tell me that conversations like this don't happen, then your either a) Gay, or b) dead.

I am signing off now. All the best.